[ALAC] An historic event (sorry, not serious ALAC stuff).

JJS jjs.global at gmail.com
Sat Jan 19 01:14:37 UTC 2013


*
Dear All,
IMPORTANT: please delete all references to the person & company the message
may have originated from (Ince). Thank you.*
*Jean-Jacques.
*
2013/1/19 Avri Doria <avri at acm.org>

> hmmm,
>
> really?
>
>
> On 18 Jan 2013, at 07:11, JJS wrote:
>
> > *Dear ALAC and Staff,*
> > *I cannot resist the pleasure of forwarding a proclamation from
> Buckingham
> > Palace, which I happen to have received as the result of an error.*
> > *Cheer up [?] !*
> > *Jean-Jacques.*
> >
> > *To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign
> Majesty
> > Queen Elizabeth II*
> >
> > In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and
> > also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the
> > USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
> > the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should
> > look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
> >
> > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> > over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
> > does not fancy).
> >
> > Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for
> America
> > without the need for further elections.
> >
> > Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be
> > circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
> >
> > To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following
> rules
> > are introduced with immediate effect:
> >
> > 1.         The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
> > 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell
> > 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will
> be
> > replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise
> > your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').
> >
> > 2.         Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
> > noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient
> > form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will
> let M
> > icrosoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be
> adjusted
> > to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
> > '-ize.'
> >
> > 3.         July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> >
> > 4.         You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> > lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> > therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns
> > should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out
> > without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready
> to
> > shoot grouse.
> >
> > 5.         Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
> > anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will
> be
> > required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> >
> > 6.         All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
> > will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same
> > time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
> > conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> > understand the British sense of humour.
> >
> > 7.         The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
> > been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
> >
> > 8.         You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call
> French
> > fries are not real chips, and those things youinsist on calling potato
> > chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in
> > animal fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar.
> >
> > 9.         The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> > actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> > referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
> > will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer isalso acceptable, as New
> > Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it
> can
> > only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth
> -
> > see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as
> > Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
> > confusion.
> >
> > 10.      Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors
> as
> > good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
> play
> > English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
> > Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
> > removed with a cheese grater.
> >
> > 11.      You will cease playing American football.  There are only two
> > kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by
> the
> > New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
> > play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does
> not
> > involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
> > body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> >
> > 12.      Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable
> to
> > host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> > outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
> > beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn
> cricket,
> > and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take
> > the sting out of their deliveries.
> >
> > 13.      You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
> >
> > 14.      An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her
> Majesty's
> > Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
> monies
> > due (backdated to 1776).
> >
> > 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> > saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
> > plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
> >
> > God Save the Queen!
> >
> >
> >
> >   ------------------------------
> >
> >
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> >
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> > Fax +65 6505 0161 (Incisive)
> >
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> >
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> >
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> >
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> 2009
> > & 2007
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> > *
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> >
> > *Disclaimer:*
> > This email is intended solely for the addressee, is strictly confidential
> > and may also be legally privileged. If you are not the addressee please
> do
> > not read, print, re-transmit, store or act in reliance on it or any
> > attachments. Instead, please email it back to the sender and then
> > immediately permanently delete it.
> >
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