[ALAC] An historic event (sorry, not serious ALAC stuff).

Fri Jan 18 20:03:48 UTC 2013

hmmm,

really?

On 18 Jan 2013, at 07:11, JJS wrote:

> *Dear ALAC and Staff,*
> *I cannot resist the pleasure of forwarding a proclamation from Buckingham
> Palace, which I happen to have received as the result of an error.*
> *Cheer up [?] !*
> *Jean-Jacques.*
> 
> *To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty
> Queen Elizabeth II*
> 
> In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and
> also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the
> USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of
> the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should
> look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
> 
> Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
> over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she
> does not fancy).
> 
> Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America
> without the need for further elections.
> 
> Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire may be
> circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
> 
> To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules
> are introduced with immediate effect:
> 
> 1.         The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,'
> 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you will learn to spell
> 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be
> replaced by the suffix '-ise.'  Generally, you will be expected to raise
> your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  (look up 'vocabulary').
> 
> 2.         Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler
> noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient
> form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let M
> icrosoft know on your behalf.  The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted
> to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of
> '-ize.'
> 
> 3.         July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
> 
> 4.         You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
> lawyers, or therapists.  The fact that you need so many lawyers and
> therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent.  Guns
> should only be used for shooting grouse.  If you can't sort things out
> without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to
> shoot grouse.
> 
> 5.         Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry
> anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.  Although a permit will be
> required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
> 
> 6.         All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you
> will start driving on the left side with immediate effect.  At the same
> time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
> conversion tables.   Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
> understand the British sense of humour.
> 
> 7.         The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have
> been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon.  Get used to it.
> 
> 8.         You will learn to make real chips.  Those things you call French
> fries are not real chips, and those things youinsist on calling potato
> chips are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in
> animal fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar.
> 
> 9.         The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
> actually beer at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
> referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance
> will be referred to as Lager.  New Zealand beer isalso acceptable, as New
> Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can
> only be due to the beer.  They are also part of the British Commonwealth -
> see what it did for them.  American brands will be referred to as
> Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
> confusion.
> 
> 10.      Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
> good guys.  Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
> English characters.  Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
> Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears
> removed with a cheese grater.
> 
> 11.      You will cease playing American football.  There are only two
> kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the
> New Zealanders).  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
> play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not
> involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
> body armour like a bunch of nancies).
> 
> 12.      Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to
> host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played
> outside of America.  Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world
> beyond your borders, your error is understandable.  You will learn cricket,
> and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take
> the sting out of their deliveries.
> 
> 13.      You must tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us mad.
> 
> 14.      An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
> Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
> due (backdated to 1776).
> 
> 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with
> saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes;
> plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
> 
> God Save the Queen!
> 
> 
> 
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